Ka mua, ka muri—When I Was and When I Am

Kia ora e hoa, wishing wellness and vitality, to you, dear friend. This piece is a window into the realities of being a fat Māori girl and woman. It offers insights into the sense making, intimacies, and intricacies of being a fat Māori girl, and now woman. This piece is whakapapa, the layering of genealogy, of thought, of realities, of experiences, of identities. It offers a glimpse into a time of whakapapa, of how I have made sense of my world in my many identities. Here, I share poems written throughout my research journey and my relationship navigating insider-research, being embedded in the research, being the research, and the ways in which I actualize Kaupapa Māori research. This piece opens with a karakia, a spiritual offering of safety, of welcome, and starts with the poem When I was, sharing moments and memories from ages 5 to 33. It then transitions to the poem When I am, a poem of potential, which connects back with the atua Hinenuitepō, a powerful ancestor and wahine deity, as well as her stories, transitions, and Kaupapa that she has shared with me, so that I may make sense of the world and this Kaupapa, the ways she has guided me on my journey. It then ends with a karakia, a spiritual offering of safety and cleansing, a farewell, to you e hoa.