SECRETS+SHAMES=SELFS:Can autoethnography be a self-compassionate praxis for artswork interrogating difficult lived experience?

This practice research PhD investigates the application of autoethnographic techniques, exploring their potential to cultivate self-compassionate approaches for an artist navigating difficult lived experiences as source materials for the creation of grief-informed multidisciplinary artswork. The research addresses a gap in addiction recovery arts by centring the lived history of an artist in recovery, examining intersecting struggles of grief, queerness, and kinship care. Drawing on the philosophical frameworks of Deleuze and Guattari and the affective methodologies of Hickey-Moody, this thesis scrutinises the transformative potential of autoethnography within creative practice. Through a critical analysis of personal history and creative outputs, the study considers how grief, loss and pain can be recontextualised and communicated effectively while minimising the need for excessively visceral methods. In doing so, this thesis challenges the reductive expectations often placed upon minoritised artists — particularly those who are queer — to make work solely about their identities in ways that foreground confession or visibility. Three key difficult life ‘themes’ – SECRETS, SHAMES, and SELFS – structure the creative and theoretical inquiry, each addressing distinct aspects of identity and lived encounters. The research incorporates queer theory, addiction recovery arts and autoethnographic storytelling to interrogate the ethical and emotional complexities of publicly disclosing intimate narratives. By analysing artistic works created before and during the research period, the study demonstrates the value of self-compassionate autoethnographic techniques in engendering both personal recovery and scholarly advancement. It highlights the potential of these methods to mediate underrepresented lived insights, advocating for an ethical, dialogical framework in grief-informed creative praxis. This thesis contributes to knowledge in addiction recovery arts, offering insights into the intersection of artistic practice, lived knowledge and recovery-engaged methodologies. By transforming historical grief, loss and pain into reflective creative outputs, the research presents autoethnography as a self-compassionate methodology for artists addressing difficult life experiences in their artswork.